E 318: Tammys Takes #22: Your Child Isn't The Trigger.. Your Nervous System Is

Speaker: 00:00:01

Welcome back to another episode of

Tammi's Takes, where we take powerful

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conversations from our guest and turn

them into practical strategies that

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you can use right here, right now.

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So today, I wanna expand on my talk

with Erin Rubin from Mama Zen, because

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honestly, this episode hit home for me.

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If you listen to the episode, Erin and I

talked a lot about parenting, emotional

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regulation, nervous system healing,

whoo, and something that I think so many

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parents secretly struggle with don't...

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but don't always want to admit.

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And that is, why do our

kids trigger us so much?

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So listen, if you've ever found

yourself snapping or yelling, shutting

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down, feeling overstimulated, or

thinking, "Why am I reacting so

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strongly to something so small?"

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I want you to hear me when I say this.

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You are not a bad parent.

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You are not broken.

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And seriously, your child

probably isn't even the trigger.

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It's your nervous system.

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Now, before anybody comes to me and

says, "Tammi, my kid absolutely is

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the trigger," I want you to hear

me out for a second, because this

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changed absolutely everything for me.

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When your child does something,

let's say back talks or whines or

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melts down, maybe ignores you, pushes

boundaries, all the things that

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kids do naturally, it's usually not

the behavior itself that causes the

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huge emotional reaction from you.

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It's what the behavior

touches inside of you.

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That's the part nobody talks about.

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Because if you grew up in dysfunction,

if you grew up in chaos, if you grew

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up walking on eggshells, emotional

neglect, criticism, explosive moments,

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like all those things, if that's how

you grew up, or even if your parents

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were never regulated themselves,

your nervous system learned survival

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long before it learned safety.

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And this matters because as

adults, especially as parents,

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we don't react from logic first.

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We react from wiring, from

old programming, and from

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subconscious protection.

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So maybe your child back

doesn't feel like talking back.

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It doesn't just feel like

they're just talking back to you.

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Maybe it feels respectful because growing

up, you were never allowed to speak.

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And I want you to think about

these things, and I want you to

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put yourself in these shoes and see

if any of this really resonates.

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Because for some people, it hits so

close to home, it's unbelievable.

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So maybe the whining, it makes you feel

overwhelmed because nobody ever helped

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regulate when you were overwhelmed.

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Maybe loud chaos feels unbearable

sometimes because your house

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growing up felt emotionally unsafe.

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So maybe when your child melts down even,

something inside of you gets activated,

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and suddenly it's not about this moment,

it's about every single tiny moment.

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Every time you felt powerless,

every time you felt unheard, every

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time your emotions weren't safe.

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And if you don't realize that,

you'll think, my child, who I

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love more than anything in the

whole world, is driving me crazy."

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Instead of asking yourself, . What

is this bringing up in me?

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what is this bringing up?

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What is this stirring up?

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Because that question

alone changes everything.

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Because healing generational trauma

isn't about not getting triggered.

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It's about getting curious

about the triggers.

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And as Erin said something in the

episode I absolutely love, she talk

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about how your child triggering

you is actually just information.

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It's awareness.

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It's an opportunity to look inward

instead of immediately outward.

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And honestly, that's hard because most

of us were raised to suppress, to hold

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it in, to suck it up, to stop crying,

to get over it, to go to your room, to

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don't feel, don't talk, don't express.

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Whew, all of that stuff.

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And now we're trying to parent differently

while healing ourselves at the same time.

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And that's not easy.

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That's brave, though.

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That is super brave.

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And I want you to normalize

something very quickly.

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You're going to get triggered.

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You can't avoid that.

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You just are.

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You're going to have those moments

where your nervous system gets flooded,

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where you're overstimulated, where the

whining feels like nails on a chalkboard

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even, where your sibling fighting

makes you want to lose your mind.

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That doesn't mean you failed as a parent.

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It just means you're human.

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The difference is what happens

next and how you react.

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So today I want to give you, as

always, a practical process that

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you can start using immediately.

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And if I had to give this one a

name, I would probably call it

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the three-step nervous system

reset for parenting triggers.

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Why not, right?

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. Step one, is pause the pattern.

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This is huge because when your nervous

system is flooded, you are not responding.

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You are reacting.

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And reaction usually comes

from the past, not the present.

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So before saying the thing, before

yelling, before slapping, before snapping,

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before doing any of those knee-jerk

reactions that you want to do, just pause,

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even if it's literally three seconds,

and ask, "What am I feeling right now?"

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Not what is wrong with my

child, but what am I feeling?

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Why am I overstimulated?

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Do I feel unheard?

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Do I feel disrespected?

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Do I feel powerless,

exhausted, flooding, tired?

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Whatever it is, what do I feel?

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Because naming it naturally

lowers the intensity of it.

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And if your nervous system

is activated, you do not need

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a parenting strategy first.

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You need regulation first.

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That's just how it is.

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So step two, ask yourself,

"What is this reminding me of?"

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This one is super powerful because your

child might not be causing the wound.

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They may be activating it.

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Yes, that is not far from the truth.

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But listen, It's about

understanding your patterns.

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So ask, "What does this remind me of?"

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what does that feel like?

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What feeling is familiar?

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Did I grow up feeling controlled?

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Did I grow up feeling ignored or unsafe

or not listened to or like I had no voice?

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Because when we don't explore

our own wounds, we parent from

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them without even realizing it.

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And awareness is where the healing begins.

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So be aware.

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Step three, step three,

co-regulate instead of control.

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This one might be my absolute

favorite because most of us

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didn't learn emotional regulation.

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We learn, we learned emotional

suppression or explosions or silence.

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We either lashed out, shut

down, or just went away.

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But co-regulation means we can do it

together and we can calm down together.

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So instead of yelling, "Go to your

room," try, "Hey, mommy needs a second.

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Let's breathe together," or,

"Let's get some cold water.

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Let me go get a drink of water.

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Let's sit for a minute together."

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And then just listen.

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This doesn't mean being

a permissive parent.

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You're still holding boundaries.

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You still parent, - but you stop

trying to control emotions and

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start teaching emotional safety.

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And honestly, that changes

generation after generation.

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One of the things Erin said that I

loved was the idea that your kids are

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watching how you regulate, not whether

you're perfect, not whether you do the

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right things or say the right things

always, but whether you repair, whether

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you pause, whether you apologize.

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And I have to tell you, that hit me

so hard because I grew up in a home

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where there were emotional outbursts,

and there was never an apology.

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I cannot remember one time ever that my

parents ever said to me, "I'm sorry I

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acted that way," or, "Mommy was going

through some stuff, and I apologize.

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I shouldn't have treated you like that."

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Never.

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And I remember when I became a

mom, I just knew something inside

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of me was that I didn't want my

kids to feel scared of my emotions.

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So was I perfect?

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Absolutely not.

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Did I ever snap at them?

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Of course I did, but I

learned the power of repair.

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I learned to go back and

say, "Hey, I'm sorry.

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That wasn't okay.

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You didn't deserve that."

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And you know what that teaches a child?

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One of the most important

things you can teach a child.

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It teaches them safety because

children don't need perfect parents.

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They need repairing parents who

are willing to grow, parents

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who say, "I got it wrong.

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I messed up.

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I screwed up, and I'll

do better next time."

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But what if nobody modeled

that for you growing up?

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It's okay.

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That's what we're here to do.

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You get to be the cycle breaker.

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You get to say, "This stops with me."

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And let me just say something to

the parents listening right now

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who are carrying guilt right now

because I want you to hear this so,

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so much from the bottom of my heart.

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You cannot shame yourself into healing.

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You cannot guilt yourself

into becoming a calmer parent.

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Healing happens through compassion,

through awareness, through support,

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and honestly, through small

moments of choosing differently.

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That's it.

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Not perfection, just different.

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One step at a time, one moment at a time,

one pause at a time, one breath at a time.

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Honestly, that's-- I created something

for people just like that, and it's

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called the Nervous System Reset

Guide, because so many of us are

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trying to heal from the neck up.

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Mindset, positive thinking,

motivational quotes.

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But at the end of the day, if your

body still feels unsafe, you'll

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keep reacting from survival.

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So if today's episode resonates with

you at all and you're thinking, "Oh,

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wow, maybe this isn't about my child.

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Maybe my nervous system is overwhelmed,"

I wanna encourage you to grab the guide.

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It's simple, practical tools to help

calm your nervous system in real

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life, in real time, especially in

the moments when you're flooded.

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Grab it below in the link, And I

just wanna leave you with this.

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You're not failing.

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You are healing while

parenting, and that is hard.

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But every time you pause instead

of react, every time you repair,

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every time you choose curiosity

over shame, you are changing your

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family tree, and that matters.

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So until next time, take a breath, be

gentle with yourself, and remember,

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your child isn't the trigger,

your nervous system is, and that

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means that healing is possible.

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See you back next time.

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Love you guys.